I think that I’m old enough now to recognize who are and are not good people. Things get slightly distorted when someone everyday tries to convince you that you are in fact, not one of the good ones. You start to think that you don’t deserve to spend time with certain people or be certain places or have certain phone calls made to you or time spent on your behalf. You begin second guessing yourself and often second guessing those around you.
It’s hard at the moment to be concerned with one’s self but it’s times like these that force us to be reflective about our lives and re-evaluate our lifestyles. How much can you give to someone else? How much of that energy should you expect in return? And how little of yourself should you keep?
Sometimes I feel as if I’m dough, on someone else’s baking tray and that someone has been kneading and pushing and prodding me for so long that I have no idea what I was meant to become originally – what was once an intended donut is now a foccacia bread miles and miles away from the original destination. Or is it? Some people would prefer foccacia bread over a donut I suppose.
Shame is a funny little word, being ashamed of oneself is really not something that good people should be doing (I’m using the term good people in a pretty loose and inclusive manner here) this piece of toast is beginning to feel quite ashamed of herself and upset by the fact that she’s not sweeter. I figure sometimes you just can’t fit into everyone’s cookie cutters or friand cases for those that way inclined sometimes it’s too difficult to admit that you just can’t fit, that you’re too big or too small for such an intimate vicinity so we just keep squeezing and squeezing for years until we’re a sad and dehydrated crumb. I’m beginning to feel like a crumb, a toast crumb and I don’t like it very much at all. I guess what I’m trying to say is, why can’t we be loved in our original form? We grow and change and manipulate and are manipulated by one another of course, but if you’re never going to fit and that paper casing is all crumpled up – where do you go from there?